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Just a quick Hi

So been a while through meltdowns and seeing shrink.

looking through a new app for mac hence this post and then hopefully I can start blogging properly again

Short and sweet

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Reality finally smashing my eyes like a pain of stained glass

I’ve spent alot of time walking and thinking lately. Usually not a good thing for me as my mind takes dark twisted turns. Recently though I seem to be finding more peace within myself nothing’s actually changed mentally I’m just more in tune with it.

I try not to reflect on the abuse my misspent youth/adult hood and try to concentrate on becoming a better me. I brought a car so me and Clare could go out as a couple etc.

Not really in a great way mentally but coping day to day taking it as it comes.

Reflecting on yesterday

Originally posted on The Depressed Moose:

Not just yesterday as in Monday but all my yesterdays, when times were happier and simple.

But lets start with the big news from yesterday

I know what your thinking, Margaret Thatcher died, but that’s not the news I was referring too. The big news was that the moose went streamlined and removed lots of hair!

Haircut – check

Shave – check

Chest – check

Back – check

here is the proof

new streamlined moose

new streamlined moose

now if this does not make me run faster then I am afraid nothing will! It’s nice to finally be out of my winter coat!

After 4 bad days I actually made it out the house for longer than the 10 minute walk for cigarettes and headed over to the gym for an hour.

As expected once the black clouds had reappeared I found it difficult to leave the house and go training. despite the proximity…

View original 662 more words

Talking to myself

So I’m going to try a little experiment if this works then I could have something interesting for you to read but either way it’ll get posted. This may be a long post or a short post dependant on what happens.

Soooo here goes. What’s in bold will be me making comments to you the reader.

1

Listen. Listen why aren’t you listening you never listen you’re no good you’re a waste of space. Why are you still here what are you thinking about has it ever occurred to you that you are just a part of someone else’s illness that you perhaps don’t exist.

so is it really feasible that I am just yet another part of the mass hallucinatory mess that is my mind. Possible but not really likely as I’m typing this out

2

Is it time? Can we go us it over? Hurt yourself die you’re worthless you’re nothing and do nothing but make people miserable. You’ll never amount to anything more than a burden on people. Do the world a favour finish it now.

something I hear alot but am getting very good at ignoring

3

Ewoks are cute and fluffy. Can we play?

not really much to say to that

4

You do realise they are going to get you ? They will hurt you they will make you pay for what you’ve done? You know what you’ve done you deserve pain. They will kill you if they find you. The government know where you are they are just waiting for the right time.

not really sure what I’ve done I’ve led as best a life as I can and tried not to hurt people unless I had no choice

5

As we settle to a strange hello
We float inside the sky below
The angels die inside the sun
The demons cause oblivion
A raging fire of pure ice
The dripping flames entice

poetical alot of the time but often nonsensical

6

Evil were evil we can control the world we can rule over men. Join us in the underworld again.

ok I do have a strong connection to the darker side of paganism but evil?

7

Haha why are these idiots actually talking to you. Do they not realise that you push them aside and ignore them as much as possible.

I’d say ignore is possibly a word that makes me seem stronger than I am. I don’t really have that kind of willpower I just tend to block what I can out and whilst listening to the voices keep telling myself they’re not all true

Don’t really think my mind can take much more of that at the moment. What I was doing was trying to get the voices down on paper or screen as it is really. The problem being is regardless of what they say I can’t grab the essence or reasoning behind the thoughts themselves.

Schizo mice from Nashville?

I decided this was going to write a sensible meaningful heartfelt post today. Then I decided I was lying to myself as usual. So onwards with another post of part sense part insanity but mostly strange surreal rambling.

Sitting here at 3:10am watching terror at the opera. Such a classic Giallo film and possibly one of Dario Argento’s finest. A few voices rattling around at the moment but nothing too severe paranoia coming out of my ears and on the edge of a panic attack almost constantly. It will take one thing only to push me over the edge but I can only take the day one step at a time.

The alarm on my phone just gave me a heart attack. I am rapidly coming to the conclusion I have fuck all of interest or any great value to say tonight but as per norm I won’t let that stop me.

People I know are being bullied online and that shit needs to stop before I get involved or the Internet faces meltdown.

What else has been happening hmmmm sleeping too much as normal but that’s the usual side effect of depression mixed with insomnia and an inability to sleep when it’s dark owing to night terrors. Add to those three things schizophrenia and paranoia and I’m shocked I actually sleep at all.

Got Doug Bradley’s (pinhead from hellraiser) autograph the other day which was needed as part of my Hellraiser full back tattoo that is in progress. Next draw up the cenobites and hunt down their autographs.

Spartacus the corn snake has slept pretty much since I fed him 12 hours ago lol such a hard life.

So should I go back to string theory? It really isn’t the time of morning to hit people with that again.

Soooooooo

Disrupted brain chatter produces schizophrenia-like symptoms in mice
By quieting part of the thalamus, researchers create rodents with cognitive deficits

Shushing neural chitchat in mouse brains can spark schizophrenia-like symptoms, a new study suggests. The findings are the first to demonstrate — at least in mice — that curbing communication among neurons in certain parts of the brain can cause some of the cognitive problems associated with schizophrenia.

By muzzling neurons in the mediodorsal thalamus, or MD — a cell cluster that sends signals to the brain’s outer layer — researchers hindered mouse memory and learning in much the same way that schizophrenia seems to do in humans, scientists report March 20 in Neuron.

Cognitive problems in schizophrenia have long been a mystery to scientists and a troubling symptom for people with the condition. The findings suggest that the problems stem from the thalamus, says neuropsychologist Neil Woodward of Vanderbilt University in Nashville, who was not involved with the new work.

People with schizophrenia suffer from a range of debilitating symptoms: hallucinations, delusions and social disorders, says study coauthor Christoph Kellendonk of Columbia University. Patients also have problems with short-term memory and learning. Unlike other symptoms, these cognitive problems have been nearly impossible to treat.

Brain imaging of people with schizophrenia had previously linked cognitive defects to changes in the MD — part of a walnut-sized chunk of gray matter snuggled above the brain stem. Normally, the MD relays information to and from the prefrontal cortex, the brain region behind the forehead that controls complex thought. In people with schizophrenia, the imaging showed, the MD is unusually quiet.

Researchers didn’t know if silent MDs triggered schizophrenia symptoms or were by-products of the disease and its treatment, says study coauthor Joshua Gordon of Columbia University. To find out, he, Kellendonk and colleagues silenced mouse MDs and then tested the animals’ thinking skills.

The researchers pumped a virus through a fine needle into the MD, which is smaller than a ball-point pen tip. With the addition of a specific drug, the virus makes MD cells churn out a protein that hushes neurons.

The method dialed back chatter in about 30 to 40 percent of MD neurons, and in each of those neurons it turned down communication by 30 percent. Even this slight lull in neural conversation was enough to fog mice’s thinking.

The team ran the mice through two tests of learning and memory. In the first test, researchers taught mice that they would receive a tasty drop of milk if they pressed a lever when a steady light turned on. Then the researchers changed the rules. Now to get the treat, the mice had to press the lever when the light flashed.

Next, the team tested the animals’ memory in a T-shaped maze: The mice had to remember which arm to explore to find food.

In both tasks, mice without talkative MDs had trouble figuring out how to collect their reward. They took longer than normal mice to learn the new light rules and to find food in the maze.

When researchers recorded neural activity in the MD and the prefrontal cortex they found that disrupting MD function also threw off prefrontal cortex activity.

The results suggest that stifling MD communication with the prefrontal cortex could explain cognitive problems in people with schizophrenia, Gordon says. By learning more about this communication, he says, “perhaps we could design treatments that restore cognitive function.”

Have you come to the conclusion my life’s pretty I wouldn’t say boring but not really much to discuss unless something goes horribly wrong or I melt down.

Controlling myself alot better handling my problems quite well I guess given the circumstances.

Plinky plonky plonky plonky

So currently sat at work listening to the Dudley Moore Quartet” yes that Dudley Moore the comedian/actor and yes jazz musician. Hence the title of the post.

Tried watching a film called subconscious cruelty but decided it was really not safe for work after watching someone masturbate a woman on her period and then a seemingly unending flow of blood ensues. Fitting for Palm Sunday the only recognised designated day for masturbation.

That’s put you off your Sunday lunch hasn’t it.

Voices

So thought intrusive thoughts rambling incoherent inbreds of my mind. Today they are discussing the weather and my inability to get my motorbike mot’d on time every year.

Urges

pmsl ah urges so I refuse to cut these days and have a new strange method of self harming. Scratching until I bleed. I feel this in essence is actually just me stating its time to get my tattoo started again but then this needs me to take the time to draw them.

Feelings

I have none as such just detachment and isolation from the world an my surroundings. Which as I’m at work is probably a good thing.

Penguins

What can be said about penguins which isn’t common knowledge hmmm

Penguins are near sighted.

Batman

Well he isn’t a penguin but his arch enemy was aka Oswald Chesterfield Cobblepot. A member of the injustice league.

Anyone wondering where this is going yet? If so could you let me know.

Biscuits

A two biscuit snack called a penguin exists in the world covered in chocolate with some chocolate type stuff in it. The picture on the front is a cuddly emperor penguin and a really bad joke.

Ewoks

Both cuddly and a really bad joke. They were a devious master plan of Lucas to increase the marketability of merchandise for the original trilogy. The same could be said of Jar Jar Binks. The fuck you from Lucas for the prequel. Annoying green muppet who runs like Anton Ferdinand.

Tedious links.

Lots of this so far apart from can I find one for Anton Ferdinand.

Bull

Ok extremely tenuous link from Ferdinand the bull to bullshit prequels and sequels new Star Wars films in the making. FFS Lucas/Disney stop fucking raping my childhood. Speaking of bulls though.

Tommy Steele

The matador a classic film starring Tommy Steele. A man also known for such wonderful films as Finnians Rainbow with Fred Astaire.

I’m gonna post this now as its getting more and more ridiculous and my heads hurting.

Love you allllllll

Shrink wrapped and labelled

So last week erm I think it was Thursday not really too clear on the date as I’ve been in a bit of a haze I went to see a new shrink and try to get some help. After the normal inquisition and torture on the rack I finally got a new diagnosis after 26 years the diagnosis was obvious anyway yes I’m a paranoid schizophrenic.

Whilst this is a good thing that I’ve officially been diagnosed again I now have the stigma of having an official nutter status. Fair enough everyone who speaks to me or actually knows me realised this a long fucking time ago anyway.

So now onto therapies, medication and all the other bullshit that goes with it. I would like to thank my girlfriend for forcing me to go after a few weeks of a rollercoaster ride in my head. The care and dedication to getting me better is unbelievable and I don’t deserve her or support her as much as I should.

Well people nothing changes I’m still as crazy as ever but now I just have a certificate a big badge and cake saying I’m nuts.

dizzylizzie34

Love yourself, because you are the only you in the entire world

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